A critical look at Enormous Omlete and self
As many of you well know, our friends at Burger King have recently released a controversaly delicious new breakfast item: 'The Enormous Omelet Sandwich.' It has received a lot of bad press due to its 730 calories and 47 scrumptious grams of fat. I would like to try, as an exercise in the art of debate, to speak in its defense. Here goes:
Penny Kris-Etherton, a professor of nutrition at Penn State, has spoken-out against the sandwich saying, "Americans do not need an Enormous Omelet Sandwich," Hey Penny, every party has a pooper, that's why we invited you.
The Department of Agriculture and the Department of Health and Human Services, seem to think that the average American female requires 1,800 to 2,400 calories each day, and men: 2,200 to 3,000. Hey Department of Agriculture/Health, no one likes a know-it-all. Don't knock it until you try it, four-eyes.
Besides this sandwich isn't nearly as bad as Hardee's new "Monster Thickburger" (1400 calories and 107 grams of fat). The Enormous Omlete is twice as healthy, and might serve as a good first step in a twelve step program for those Monster ThickBurger addicts on the road to recovery.
Health problems, you say? Talk to the hand, worry-wart.
(Whew. This is harder than I thought.)
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So, in other news, I have hung up my Rubix Cube shoes.
About a month ago I became obsessed with solving a Rubix Cube that I found laying around at work. I fiddled around until too many of the stickers had fallen off to continue. I went out bought another one and turned it until it broke. Bought another. Broke it. Fixed it. But now I've handled it so much that the yellow and white stickers are too faded and greasy to tell apart. And the orange ones are well on their way.
In the beginning I just fiddled with it at work, on the toilet, and on the toilet at work. Soon, though, I was carrying it on the bus back and forth to work...so focused on my mission that I missed my stop more than once. Eventually I was playing with it during breakfast and after work in the lounge of the hostel.
With a little help from the internet I studied the 7 stages of the cube. Memorized the rougher ones and finally solved the thing on my own. I've gotten to the point where I only need to glance down at it occasionally. In the beginning it took me 10 minutes then 5 then 4 and now 3 and some change, but today I declare: I am hanging up my Rubix Cube shoes before it's too late.
'Why?' you ask. Get this: At some point my focus moved from the cube to the people on the bus. The kids at the hostel. My co-workers wide eyes'. "Hey guys look at me! Look what I can do!" I was shouting at the top of my insecure, metaphorical lungs. I suddenly found myself carrying it everywhere, and instead of missing my bus stop cause I was so focused on the cube, I was missing my bus stop cause I couldn't get off until I'd finished showing a group of perfect strangers how smart I was.
How lame! How truly, truly pathetic!
A book called "The Devil's Dictionary" by Ambrose Bierce defines 'Achievement' as: "The death of endeavor and the beginning of disgust." Truer words have never been spoken.
I was reading an essay by George Orwell the other day. In it he says, "by the time you have perfected any style of writing, you have always outgrown it." I think that goes too for rubix cubes and just about everything else under the sun.
By Robert - 3/30/2005
3 Comments:
I'd highly recommend tackling Pocket Yahtzee once the Rubix endeavor has died and the disgust has begun. It's insanely addictive, and like the Cube, nice and portable.
I recommend Pocket Connect-4. With three different levels and two modes of playing, the fun never ends.
-Jordan
I got a laugh. Conan called the Burger King Omelete meal the "Die Happy Meal"
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